Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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