Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
