my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
