soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
