I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Shame - the story of my life.
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