oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
