I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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