Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Randomize
