I just threw up on my dentist
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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