im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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