when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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