Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
