i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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