textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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