I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
