Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
