please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
God, I missed his penis.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
