I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm really busy with my period
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