I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Couch. On fire.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
