3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
