Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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