I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
