smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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