She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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