Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
