i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize