I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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