What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
