im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
