remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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