but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
