I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
