i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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