I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
