i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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