dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
