last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
