My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
