I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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