I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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