i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
