You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
