I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
