We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am naked and annoyed.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
