I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he puts the penis in happiness.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
