My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
