I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
