I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need to sanitize my soul.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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