Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
