you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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