Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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