I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize