just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
