know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
