it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
