and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
