So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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