Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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