Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
pray to the hookup gods
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
