i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
