"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
