my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize