there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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