So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
