Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
