I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize