Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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