My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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