Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
