So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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